He is the most unpredictable, obnoxious, self-centered human being I have ever known. He was my best friend before we were together. He used to make my heart race,

he made me nervous. Sometimes I try and talk to him, and I'll open my mouth - but nothing will come out. He completely captured my heart. It took me by surprise.

I was in no shape or form ready for a relationship. My wounds were still fresh, my scars could open at the slightest touch.

 

It all moved so fast, like a whirlwind of love. He knocked me off my feet and told me things I should've known better than to believe. I was so important to him at one point,

or at least he let me believe so. He made me feel on top of the world, special - different somehow. Like I was unlike anyone he had ever met. I felt invincible, like I had it all

and there was no way it would slip through my fingers.

 

I let myself love him. I fell so hard and so fast, my heart cannot contain my love for this human being. He drives me crazy, and he is a goof ball, but he is mine - or at least

I thought so.

 

He always reminds me how I am such a negative person, which I might be - but I feel I have the right. Everything I have ever known about love turned out to be a lie.

Why would it be any different this time? I tried to convince myself somehow it was, but like every other relationship of mine - things began to change.

 

I started feeling inadequate - like I wasn't enough for him. I have to remind myself everyday that I know it isn't true. I know I am loved. I know there is someone out

there in this God forsaken world who will love me despite my flaws, in fact he will love me for my flaws.

 

I have this habit of believing "this is the one," but then again he didn't help it either. Always talking about marriage and things like that. He wanted me to meet his

family before we even started dating. I know it should've been some flag of some sort, like hey this guy already feels this way about you, how does he feel about

other girls?

 

Last night we got into a fight and he slept on the couch. He came into the bedroom at six in the morning, rambling about making some skatepark in

town. He went on to talk about how he doesn't know what he would do without me. That I spoil him, and who would make him cookies and all this nonsense.

 

I think I've known. I just don't let myself let go. I keep making excuses for people because I love them so much. I am replaceable to him. I am nothing special.

I am just another notch in his bedpost.

 

I feel like breaking down. I can't believe I let myself do this again. How do people do this? How do they go all their lives falling for all the wrong people and they

just proceed to get back up, dust it off, and love again?

 

I can't. I'm so done. I don't want this anymore. I want real. I want authenticity and sincerity, and most importantly I want love.

I don't exactly know what I have to say, or how I'm going to say it. I'll apologize in advance for my rambling, if anyone reads this anyway.

There has been so much on my mind lately, it feels like everything is trying to fit itself in my brain at once. I have so much to say that I've been holding back in fear that I will hurt someone.

As you know my best friend is moving across the fucking world to live with her husband. She has been on prozac for the last four or so months for her anxiety and depression. The other day we were getting high and she was telling me how drunk she got with her dumb fucking friend (who I will not mention their name because I don't care to) and she knows I hate when she drinks on her medicine. Anyways we were on the topic of her leaving, something we don't see eye to eye about, and every time we talk about it we end up in a fight. She mentioned that she was going to stop taking it when she moves. I asked her if that was a good idea since she'll be away from her family, friends, and everything she's ever known, and in a foreign country. She got offended and all pissy.

First and foremost I firmly do not believe in making someone your everything, I know what happens for experience. Secondly, I hate her husband. He's cheated and lied to her, and he's just white trash. I know in my heart exactly what is going to happen and I'm forced to keep my opinion to myself because no one wants to hear the fucking truth. Personally, if I were making the biggest mistake of my life, I would want my best friend to fucking tell me. But whatever.

On another note, theres Nickolas Scott. He has been my best friend for years. I've known him since he was like a little kid. Of course we have always had our chemistry and flirtation. As much as it pains me to say it I think he thinks he's falling in love with me. It seems to be a very bad habit of mine, making boys fall in love with me. No guy simply wants to be my friend. And as much as I would love to give him a chance and see where things go, I will not compromise his friendship. He thinks he's man enough to remain friends with me even after I obliterate his heart... yeah right. I don't know. I'm so sick of everything going the complete opposite of how I want them to go. Its just one mess after another.

I've been smoking so much lately, I almost would label myself a pothead. Me and Shelly both bought and eighth and while we were smoking hers I was so high I managed to lose mine. fucking fuck.

I can't say anything else. I don't know what else to say. I will not say anything about the stupid fuck head because I simply cannot stand him. I wish I could bang his brother though, and if given the chance, I would.:)

Things have been a little stressful lately. I have had a lot of ups and downs and no one to really talk about it to.

My best friend recently got married and I have been struggling with that a lot lately. I can't seem to wrap my head around her leaving. To top it off no one else can seem to understand where I'm coming from so I have to deal with it on my own. The day she leaves keeps changing but as of right now its at the end of the summer. Shes moving to Italy for four years, I really have no idea what I will do, and I can't seem to show my emotions, I just get angry.

I was approved for a loan last week and got myself an '06 mazda3 :) so thats pretty exciting. The only thing I am really freaking out about is making my car payment and such, but I know I can do it.

On top of that my mom keeps pushing me moving out, which now would be almost impossible with a car payment and no one to move in with.. I don't know we just keep bumping heads, and its not helping with my depression at all.

The only person I can really seem to turn to is Skyler, and unfortunately he has decided not to talk to me this week. I get so upset about it and I really have no idea why. I guess the wounds are still fresh and healing and any little thing he does bothers me. I often go to sleep and can't help but cry. I really don't know whats wrong with me anymore.

Things are so up and down and back and forth. Nothing is ever the same or consistent. I don't know what is really bothering me, I have tried to figure it out and I've tried blocking it out and nothing seems to work. I guess I'll keep dealing with things the way I have been... by not dealing with them.

I did remember how much better it made me feel to write about things, so I'll be writing more. I know no one really listens or I guess reads what I'm saying but it makes me feel like I'm setting it free.

always,
H